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| Digital/pen drawing 4/19/2026 |
I was a self-proclaimed "weird kid" from a young age, a title I embraced as a form of armor preemptively shielding me from outside judgment. As I got older, I embraced the title of "bitch" for the same reason. These things were not bold statements of self-acceptance. It was more like a dunce cap than a badge of honor.
Many (maybe most) of my strongest memories from childhood are experiences where I felt embarrassed. It has always been one of my most acute emotions. But I did little to conquer this fear over the years, and instead I've done everything I can to avoid feeling it. Although I accept myself, I feel sensitive about my ability to be accepted by others. And I feel pain when I am rejected, through shame and embarrassment, or through misunderstanding.
I don't have a thick enough skin that people's perceptions of me bounce off without scuffing the surface. Instead, I become transfixed at viewing myself through the funhouse mirror of how people see me. What does it validate, what does it misunderstand? My own undistorted face looks strange after. Tenfold if the view comes from someone I'm close to, and is more wobbly than I expected.
Yet I maintain a self-fulfilling prophecy, where I constantly choose to not share my inner world and creative projects out of fear of being misunderstood. Which leads people to understand me less, which makes the fear seem more real, and stronger. Sharing creative projects is especially difficult, because it's hard for me to make anything at all without part of my soul spilling out into it.
It's very easy for me to justify not sharing things without acknowledging the fear that drives the pattern. I'll say I don't owe anyone anything, I make things just for myself, I don't need validation for my work to mean something, etc... But I also get caught up in my belief that no one cares, and it doesn't matter, and my work isn't valuable (factors that shouldn't really matter, anyways!)
Still, I've grown very tired of the misunderstandings that I know could be solved by my vulnerability. And I've yearned more and more to connect with people creatively, to have people connect with my work. (That's the thing about hiding, you can't be scrutinized, but you also can't be seen. Corny, I know.) I've had too many friends tell me they didn't know I make music, and been left out of conversations about filmmaking or art because I don't speak up.
The connection matters more than the misunderstanding, but the only way to make my mind and body understand that is to increase my tolerance to rejection and embarrassment. Take the wrapper off of the candy, and let the world take a lick, and it will leave behind dust and lint and bugs and all kind of things that give it more meaning and make it more beautiful. I don't need to explain it, just need to offer it up and see what the world does with it. Hiding it behind cellophane will only make it fossilize, or eventually melt into something that doesn't look as appetizing anymore. Things aren't complete until they've been tasted, and they taste different if you're alone!
Or in other words, each funhouse mirror exists alongside the way that I see things. They offer other facets, other meanings and details. None of the ways of seeing are cheapened by looking a different way. Could be someday I walk past those mirrors and feel inspired instead of afraid.
I wrote a very similar post to this in 2021, and very shortly after that abandoned this blog for several years (which says a lot.) You can read that here. It's only gotten harder since then, and so doing the scary things is more important than ever! I am trying to find my way in this world, learning how to face my fears and create spaces that feel safe to share. I'm trying, trying trying everyday. If I can avoid abandoning this blog again after publishing this, I'm on the right track!
Thanks for reading, my candy funhouse friend!
- Celina
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