I was a restless and sensitive kid. Of course, looking back, I know that it was partially my ADHD, which wasn't diagnosed till I was 15, and that I wasn't medicated for till I was 18. But more than that, it was the trapped potential energy of growing up in a suburb when the larger world was so exciting and full of novelty and adventure, but lay just out of reach. I remember coming out of movie theaters or concerts feeling like a profoundly changed person from the experience. I used to stay up late into the night painting and writing and singing, lighting things on fire and playing guitar til my fingers bled, getting lost in different fantasies. I remember the restlessness feeling like torture. It was lightning in a bottle, but I was the bottle, getting shocked by it constantly. I never had a clear idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up, I just knew that I wanted to experience the world, as much of it as I could.
In high school, for a brief moment I planned to do an exchange program somewhere in China, probably because it was as far away as I thought I could possibly get. I fantasized about disappearing, reinventing myself, and never again feeling tied down by my small town and family and school. And I opened myself up, the rough and vulnerable parts, freely to anyone who would listen. It was like my chest was cracked open, and my heart was exposed to the air. Everything stung, but it felt like the only way that I could be, like it was the only way to experience life in all the ways that I needed to. I fucked things up, I was bad at things, I practiced til I got it right, I made messes, and I was myself unapologetically. I did all of those things publicly.
I don't remember a time before I experienced depression, but back then, I didn't experience the same resistance. The depression hurt, because it was new, and I had no tolerance for it. But my restlessness and thirst managed to give me energy regardless, because there were so many things that felt new and exciting enough to bring me out of it. Being that kid got me hurt a lot, and over the years I closed in on myself without realizing. I became less naive, and things started to feel less exciting as I saw more of the world. Growing up, the North Carolina state fair was my favorite place. It felt like heaven to me, all of the lights and colors and sounds and crowds and thrill rides, it gave me a feeling of euphoria I couldn't describe. One of the first songs I ever wrote, "Intoxicating Atmosphere" tried to capture that feeling. When I visited New York for the first time, I felt the same.