I was a restless and sensitive kid. Of course, looking back, I know that it was partially my ADHD, which wasn't diagnosed till I was 15, and that I wasn't medicated for till I was 18. But more than that, it was the trapped potential energy of growing up in a suburb when the larger world was so exciting and full of novelty and adventure, but lay just out of reach. I remember coming out of movie theaters or concerts feeling like a profoundly changed person from the experience. I used to stay up late into the night painting and writing and singing, lighting things on fire and playing guitar til my fingers bled, getting lost in different fantasies. I remember the restlessness feeling like torture. It was lightning in a bottle, but I was the bottle, getting shocked by it constantly. I never had a clear idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up, I just knew that I wanted to experience the world, as much of it as I could.
In high school, for a brief moment I planned to do an exchange program somewhere in China, probably because it was as far away as I thought I could possibly get. I fantasized about disappearing, reinventing myself, and never again feeling tied down by my small town and family and school. And I opened myself up, the rough and vulnerable parts, freely to anyone who would listen. It was like my chest was cracked open, and my heart was exposed to the air. Everything stung, but it felt like the only way that I could be, like it was the only way to experience life in all the ways that I needed to. I fucked things up, I was bad at things, I practiced til I got it right, I made messes, and I was myself unapologetically. I did all of those things publicly.
I don't remember a time before I experienced depression, but back then, I didn't experience the same resistance. The depression hurt, because it was new, and I had no tolerance for it. But my restlessness and thirst managed to give me energy regardless, because there were so many things that felt new and exciting enough to bring me out of it. Being that kid got me hurt a lot, and over the years I closed in on myself without realizing. I became less naive, and things started to feel less exciting as I saw more of the world. Growing up, the North Carolina state fair was my favorite place. It felt like heaven to me, all of the lights and colors and sounds and crowds and thrill rides, it gave me a feeling of euphoria I couldn't describe. One of the first songs I ever wrote, "Intoxicating Atmosphere" tried to capture that feeling. When I visited New York for the first time, I felt the same.
And even through the smoke I can still see your neon eyes
And I know you won't let go even if it means our demise
Because from the moment you were born you've only ever said goodbyes
This intoxicating atmosphere
Will never set me free
This intoxicating atmosphere
Will always keep me free
This smile won't go away though I have tried to wipe it off
And everything falls into place like fairytales aren't really bluffs
And it's just the right amount of way too much and not enough
somehow I began to half believe I might believe in love
This intoxicating atmosphere
Feels right in every way
This intoxicating atmosphere
Has to be some bad mistake
I thought we agreed we don't believe in fate
But I feel like I've written these words before."
Things don't feel so exciting now, even theme parks, even New York city. I suppose I can accept that it's just part of growing up, you lose that feeling of euphoria, and the novelty of it all. A lot has happened of course, I've had to work really hard on school and on my mental health to become the person I feel I should be. I smoked a lot of weed, and then I had to quit. Covid happened, and society and technology feel like they've gotten a million times worse since then. I got very burnt out from overworking myself. I've gotten burnt out from negative relationships a dozen times over. Things don't feel easy anymore either. Maybe they never did, but because they're not exciting, there's nothing to push me through. I don't have very much energy nowadays. I's easy for me to view everything in life based on how much of my energy it would take away, and weigh it based on that alone.
Most days, I can accept my depression. Because I can't control it. I've been depressed my whole life up til this point, and i'll keep being depressed forever, or until they invent some miracle cure. My tolerance is higher for it now, and although some days it feels as acute as it did as a sensitive kid, most days I can enjoy laughing with my partner or finishing a song or drinking coca cola like I feel I should. I'm only 24, I know that I'm not done with my journey. I suppose I can have hope that it'll keep getting better, maybe someday it'll feel easy again.
When I was around 19, I think I started to mourn parts of my life for the first time. I had gone through a rough friendship breakup, and I noticed that I had become very closed off towards potential friends because of it. I got angry, and I felt like something had been taken from me without my permission. I've felt that way about many different things as I've gotten older, and I think that the feeling is valid, if maybe misplaced. The reality is, of course, that no one can really take any part of who you are from you. Even if they're breaking you down systematically, the parts of you don't really go away. You can lose touch with it, and sometimes it's not entirely your fault. I have to believe it's still inside of you, but how can you find it again?
It's always been a push and pull for me, between my restless side and the part of me that wants to indulge in comfort. (As one of my close friends would tell me, it's the battle between my Taurus Sun and Gemini Rising LOL). As I've gotten older, I've become much more of a home body as I've been able to create spaces that feel safe and nurturing for me. It's hard to balance my limited energy, and my comfort, to know when to push and when to pull back. I'm medicated for my ADHD now, and it makes a lot of things feel easier, but does it dull my creative spark? I wouldn't know where to start in figuring any of it out. Things feel profoundly different in the world now, and not just in my perception of it, but in the cheap thrills that prevail in modern life. Short form video content, instant gratification shopping and eating and connection. I'm addicted to it, and it feels like I have to work hard every day to resist it. Usually, I feel like I have to force myself to do things, to say yes, to be vulnerable, to make anything at all.
Nowadays, I mourn my energy, I mourn my excitement, I mourn my joy, and I mourn my restlessness. Of course, I have more to balance now. Taking care of myself, taking care of my space, balancing my professional life and social life. But I crave the lightning in a bottle that I used to have, that would shock me into action or creation if I stayed still for too long. That baseline restlessness just isn't there anymore, and the resistance in my mind and body have gotten stronger. I miss the thirst I had for life, and the energy and motivation I had to see things, to make things, to be myself, to connect. Sometimes, I get a glimpse of it again, in small bursts. But it usually feels like my energy and attention fizzle out before I can take action.
I have to believe that my restless spirit and creativity are still there, because despite it all, something inside me wants desperately to keep going. Of course, the overly practical part of me wants to treat it as something I can figure out systematically, but I've spent too long trying to change one variable at a time to recreate what I used to have. Probably, in the end, all of that matters very little. It's not something to figure out, but it is something to connect with, and to hold onto. There's still a voice inside of me saying "Get busy living, or get busy dying. Stop wasting time and do it." Things have changed, they've gotten harder, but they were always going to. I have to find that restless kid inside me somehow, and listen to her, and learn from her, and make her proud by making shit and experiencing the world anyways.
This is a lesson that it feels like I have to re-learn every couple of weeks, so I'm hoping that putting it into words like this may help me remember a bit better.
That's all for now.
- Celina
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